_edited_ed.jpg)
Did you know that every successful relationship is successful for the same exact reasons? According to self-help author Marc Manson, this is true for all people around the world regardless of their education, walk of life, history, tragedy, mistakes and triumphs!
In my new book, Heart 2 heart now available on Amazon, I explore in detail how valuable these lessons were in my romantic relationships. Please try, not to laugh too hard or cry at my lack of success when you read that chapter in my book!
To give you an idea, here are two lesson excerpts out of the thirteen you might appreciate or identify with!
Lesson 1: Get good at forgiving
Don’t disrespect your partner by trying to change him/her but rather love him/her despite his/her differences and when things get rough, forgive him/her for it.
How rough do things have to get before you throw in the towel? How do you forgive the unforgivable and still love your partner?
I did, despite the repeated infidelities, significant value differences, humiliation and belittling I subjected myself to in both of my most significant partner relationships. In her book, State of Affairs, Esther Perel, explains how an affair can rob a couple of their relationship, happiness and their very identity. And even the happiest couples cheat! That last point certainly demystifies what happiness means to me in a love relationship!
So how did I heal from these repeated betrayals and forgive? In hindsight, I don’t think I did. It was not true forgiveness as none of the issues we had (and they were many) ever reached any type of constructive resolution. They just ruminated in suppressed silences inside of me and would only burst out in intense uncontrollable and explosive anger and frustration, sometimes, at the slightest provocation!
For years, I struggled with either distancing myself or cutting all ties from them, to eliminate the hurt I felt. In doing so, I believed I could forgive and move on to a new and healthier relationship or better, resume my relationship with either, thinking I had learnt to control my anger bouts and now had cleared space to continue loving them.
But I had it all wrong! The problem were not the affairs (even though they were painful to live, and I don’t wish them on anybody) but more, the continued outsized, perfect expectations I had in both relationships about the relationship, ones clearly, not shared by either significant partner. While I was in Till death do us part, for better or for worse, complete loyalty always no matter what, constant sexual bliss, perpetual intellectual stimulation and the list goes on mode, I failed to include or consider human vulnerability, frailty, adversity, life changes or even sadly, different ways to communicate as part of the equation whether on their side or mine! In my mind yes, but not in my heart!
Would this have changed the outcomes? Not the breakup for sure, but certainly the exit which would have been done with more respect and kindness. Today, I am grateful for the increased self-awareness I gained from these experiences despite the total discomfort I will always feel at finding out that even the happiest couples cheat! Basically people, there are no guarantees there no matter how much you vow to keep or work on them.
Lesson 2: The little things add up to big things
Arguing over small things consistently wears the couple down, while little and regular favors and displays of affection add up. Don’t lose them.
Interesting lesson for me. According to Dr. John Gottman (co-founder of the Gottman Institute), if you’re not fighting after three years into a relationship, it’s often a sign of withdrawal. Complaining and fighting in an intimate relationship are just ways of showing you care.
Well I must have cared a whole lot as arguing was a constant in my relationships! In my case, however, it did not help because we even disagreed over what each one considered a small or big thing to argue about! Now that, can wear you down!
What is a small thing anyway? Having different tastes in music, food, movies, friends? Pretty small in the scheme of things with probably not much effect on the well-being of the relationship, right? While a big thing, I guess would be infidelity, different parenting values, different spending or money management values or not sharing the same future. But when both small and big things are argued equally and with the same intensity, what then?
In Jonah Lehrer’s Book About Love, the author references a 2010 personality similitude study done on twenty-three thousand married couples and found that what we think we want in a spouse – someone who is just like us and likes all the same things and what we want in real life are fundamentally mismatched and account for less than 0.5 percent of spousal satisfaction!
OMG, you would think that with all the arguing I had in my relationships, either one, should have been primed for ultimate success and should have lasted forever and beyond if you also believe in reincarnation! Clearly did not, as what was most important was not so much our fretting on small or big things, but more on how loving, grateful and respectful of our differences we remained with each other during our arguments.
For the full list of the top 13 lessons to keep love and more, purchase your copy of the Heart 2 Heart E-book by clicking here.
Comments